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Posted on May 18th, 2009 by Dee Dee Warren.
Categories: Uncategorized.
The following tortures and kills took place between 7:00am and 8:00am: 0 Kills | 0 Tortures
It is the final hour, and Jack has not eaten, drank, or went potty. That we know of.
Okay, I don’t have this DVR’d, but I definitely need to go back and see if the crew made a boo-boo ’cause I swore that SARH did not have her bandage in place in a few scenes.
Jack makes like a snake and wiggles under an overhead door, and I was positive he was going to be stuck there having a seizure, but no, he makes it through. And the soundtrack is taking on the majesty of a Broadway musical. Such as Jesus Christ Superstar.
Tony tries to wiggle himself in, and Jack tries to squish him like an errant child. Tony doesn’t even bother with the huffing and puffing and goes straight for some forklift action (which I am pretty sure would have just opened up the door like a tin can rather than lifting it).
Jack attempts to burn the place down with a flare and some spilled fuel (ahhh Kim. On fire.) and…FAIL, as he pathetically wriggles, and Tony duck-walks over him and knocks him out.
Agent Pierce, polite to the end, “No Ma’am, I am not going to do that.” The jig is up. The news is out, they finally found her. And I am starting to feel bad for Olivia. That’s what I get for having a smile pasted on my face from Kim going up like a Roman candle.
Okay, I am going to say it, the torn emo Jack-no want. Want old Jack back.
“Dammitt Tony look at me.” And there is nothing but emptiness in Tony’s eyes, which is played masterfully. And the gag me with a spoon line of the night, “Let me die in peace.”
And it turns out that Tony has been flip-flopping from side to side more than a fish in a Faith No More vid. He is on no one’s side. He is doing this… for Michelle. Awwww. And it was all to get to Sinead’s fellow conspirator, Allen Wilson, the man behind our favourite jello Charles Logan. Done burned Michelle to a crisp.
And Tony has the testicular fortitude to blame Jack. JACK! Jack screwed it all up. (and a small voice inside of me kinda sees Tony’s point here, forgive me Jack). But Jack ain’t buying it. And….
“I’m not going to kill him Jack, you are.” Am I watching 24 or Lost? Isn’t that what Locke said to Linus on the way to Jacob?
And the names of the dead loved ones go a-flyin again as Tony and Jack exchange Michelles and Terris. Tony hooks Jack up to… is it a bomb? A splatter device to deposit his germy ridden organs all over the place? And Jack gives him the “I could kill you with a blink” blink. Twitch. Spaz. Twitch.
And Tony’s red-head… kisses the other guy? Maybe I did have her closing line right? What the heck is going on here? And… in swoops SARH to save the day and cause mass carnage!
In yet another ruptured fuel tank (the writers were channelling Beavis, fire, fire, hehe) there is more gas than at a chili cook-off.
SARH shows off her chops and does the wonderwoman tumble while screaming ululations. Okay, I made the second part up, but she did some awesome footwork and goes to rescue her man. Within seconds, the bomb is a non-issue.
Cut back to Tony’s red-head who runs to give him a smooch, and wham! He shoots her. But I give him cred for not staring into her eyes while she is dying like the creepy slimeball horndog at the beginning of the season.
Tony tells Allen that he is going to pay for the Michelle BBQ. Allen denies involvement. Tony bellows that Michelle was preggers with his son! Whoa, who shot Tony before he could get his revenge (why don’t the bad guystm ever learn to shut up and just shoot already)? Was it Jack? Was it Jackette?
AND OF COURSE MY SATELLITE GLITCHES AGAIN. DARN IT TO HECK!
Jack is on the way to the hospital to die, and like Jesus, he won’t take anything to dull the pain. SARH has a hankering for some torturing and comes and tells His Jackness that “I can make him talk, tell me what to do.” Like Jack is going to go, “Well okay, first take stock of your surrounding. Lamp cord? Check. Plastic bag? Check…”
And here is where I wanted to vomit. Jack waxes eloquent on how the rule of law is more important than those 15 people in the bus he could save (I dunno, if I was one of those 15 people I would feel a tad bit differently) and that she must simply do what she can live with but must remember she swore an oath, blah, blah, blah, cry me a river. And thus Jack passes the baton to Jackette. Literally.
Jack: I thought maybe if I saved them, I save myself.
And everyone laughed at me when I said that 24 was Xena redux.
Okay I don’t know if you guys saw the same commercials that I did, but that Prius commercial acid trip scared the crap out of me.
And, harkening back to the Palmers, we have the Taylor family drama! Reprising the role of Sherry Palmer is Henry Taylor! I think Liv is going to puke. I think I am going to puke.
Ouch, cold. Ice-cold. “Allison spare me your sanctimony.” She should have took off a Presidential pump and smacked him around a bit.
Okay now I did throw up in my mouth. The tender butterfly kisses moment between Janis and Chloe. I don’t think so. I so don’t want that.
And in this season’s crowning case of Terminal Political Correctness, Jack has a vistor. Is it Kim? Bzzt. Is it Jackette? Bzzt. It’s the Imman! Nevermind that Jack isn’t Muslim. And then the 24 writers don’t have the jewels to actually go all the way and have them pray to Allah but rather do a generic prayer to themselves to forgive themselves, managing to piss off all the world religions at once!! FTW!
MP gathers up her TF and makes the hard call to turn in her dear daughter, and a momentary spark flies between her and the now ex-ex-Chief of Staff who offers his shoulder to cry upon.
Allen is in the interrogation chamber. Jackette is pissed. Janis is whinging. And Janis decided since everyone else is tastelessly invoking the dead, she might as well thrown in a good “Larry wouldn’t have wanted this. Don’t dishonour his death like this.” for good measure.
And the transformation is complete. Jackette has mastered the Jack Shriek of Doom. As she lays down her badge and walks into the room after pulling a Han Solo on the door locks, we are left to wonder. Does she torture him? Does she torture him not?
Now, after trying and failing to appease all the religions at once, Kim is set to bust in on the scene, and Jack is in an induced coma from an overdose of PC fail. Kim takes a stand. She wants to give up some stem cells for daddy. Jack has degenerated so badly that even Kim’s cells can only be an improvement for next season.
And somehow in the mix I lost track of Tony. He became irrelevant in an instant.
… and the clock ticks on.
